想

想家了。。

想马来西亚了。。

想。。。

想很多东西。。 搞到自己不开心。。。

昨天叩妈妈，忍着眼泪不让它流，最终却还是在挂电话后大哭一场，在英国哭得最惨的一次。。

还以为自己会像别人说的一样，会忙着适应生活而不会想家，看来这不适合套用在我身上。。

妈妈顾着我的学业，担心我会因为无法适应气候所以考不好，会要我买Heater， 会要我早睡。。

还好上次测验的分数不错，否则我一定内疚到死，然后会哭得更惨。。。

妈妈我会用功读书的，我会紧记自己在这里的任务，我一定会把成绩考好，让家人为我而感到骄傲的。heater 已经买了，现在只要我看到它，我就会记得那是用妈妈辛苦赚的血汗钱而买的，当我用它时，房间不止是满满的温暖，更是有妈妈和家人的爱与关怀。。

原来即使身边有的是一班朋友，寂寞与孤独的感觉仍然可以侵蚀你的心。。

好久不见

什么时候开始，我再也不能第一时间让你知道我的一切了。。

喜怒哀乐。。

我再也不能无时无刻拿起电话就拨你的号码， 除了需要在那组号码前加06， 我还需要在当地时间加7个小时，还要考虑你是否在上课，睡觉，玩乐。。

你曾说不喜欢我每次打来就匆匆地把电话挂了，因为每次挂电话以后你都会变得沉默了。。所以那次以后我都尽量让我们畅谈，不要两分钟就挂电话。。 直到现在， 不管我是否去计较那几分钟，你已不一定有那个时间给我了。。

也许是我太滥用电话了，一点小事就非得吵醒你不可，所以才会搞到自己真的不开心的时候不能好好向你倾诉。。

二十一岁了，总不能什么事情都向人吐苦水吧，既然以前我可以把一切都收在心里，现在更应该没有问题。。所以，好久不见，隐藏。

我会再一次学习自己解决问题，又或者，学习怎么不开心的自己开心起来。。 以前没有你的生活，又再次让我体验了。我不想要依赖你，不想把自己开心的理由都放在你的身上，在这里遇到的任何问题，我都会尝试自己解决。。

就算受伤了，也会让自己偷偷地好起来。。

我们的生活步伐再也不一样了，是否意味着我的心情感受再也不能随时传达给你啊？

远方的朋友出了意外，她的手，脚和背部都被火烧伤了，在深切治疗部已经好一段时间，试问这段期间的她，又有谁可以依靠呢。。朋友们是可以通过facebook，email连络她，问候她，但是真正了解她的痛的人又有多少呢。。就连我也是现在才知道，好惭愧。。希望她早日康复，并靠着科技的发达早日恢复美丽的脸孔。。

Nottingham Goose Fair

Went to Nottingham Goose Fair!!!Don be mistaken by the name, there's no goose at all, not even a toy goose, nothing.

All that they have in this fair is like Malaysia's fun fair, where they have a lot of rides and food stalls, and of course, people.

I find it nothing much actually, the rides are similar to those that we have in Genting Theme Park or Cosmo's World,

except that the speed is a lot faster, the rounds that they spin per minut

e is a lot more and when they said "freak out", it really means the ride will freak you out.

So there I was, wondering around the fair, didnt try any rides, because the cheapest ride is 4 pounds per person per ride. RM20. CHEAPEST. Ok i'm not going to complain about how expensive Genting Theme Park ticket is liao. I always stand aside and see how does this ride go, how exciting it is. And I believe that if you were here, you might be very interested to try out this ride that ride.

This Goose Fair reminds me of the time when both of us went to Cosmo World in Times Square, we played a ride call DNA Mixer, it spins and spins and spins and end up your head also spins and spins and spins, trigger the vomitting centre and you threw out. On our first date. You were late. And you threw out. Tsk tsk. =b

Other than rides, there are lots of foods!! Basically is just doughnuts, chocolates, burger, sausages, and candies!

Tried something that I have never seen in Malaysia before, is called Churros, is something long crispy and sweet, like doughnuts but not.. hehe, let me show you the picture! Da lang!

You can choose to go with just sugar, cinnamon and sugar, chocolate sauce or lemon sauce. is 3 pounds for 6 for former 2, and 3.50 pounds for the latter two.

We tried both cinnamon and sugar and chocolate sauce. We prefer the cinnamon and sugar one!! Is really nice and something special ^^ i was a happy girl after eating that.

So that's all about Goose fair! Don let goose appears in your brain next time whenever people say it! Fyi, nobody knows where does the name "Goose Fair" come from.

letter to u

hello from nottingham!

r u still following my blog?

if yes, kindly type i love u for 9 times and send to my UK number asap, lol

i didnt want to be sedimental, but since i hav uploaded the pre departure pics, and my tears were about to flow down, might as well just give my feeling describe here:

i could see ur tears rolling in ur eye even before we were on our way to airport, we held our hand tightly, and u asked: do u feel as though we are travelling?

oh yea, with diff kind of feeling only..

i wish the road to airport could be way longer, so that i can spend more time with u..

i knew i looked like a mess, but still, as my supportive bf, even before i leave, u firmly told me that i looked the best among all.

just when i was busy writing the luggage tag, jia phan: wei wei, don forget u still have one more hand carry item.

me: ah? where?

jia phan: (turn chuan around, one luggage tag attaching to his belt).. lol..

this is the nice one, if and only if i could take u as my hand luggage, or i don mind, that u being my checked in baggage, but u are way overweight that i dunno how much are they going to charge me XD nvm, as long as i can hav u with me..

i was talking to noob gang, u hugged me from behind.

i miss the feeling.. very much..

also like the way u hug me when we take pic.. real sweet, warm and secured.. this is wat ted ted couldnt give..

among jpa scholars we have promised each other not to cry and spread the sadness, but still some of us cried.

not excluding me.

i wanted to hug u longer but i didnt allow myself to do that, i'm afraid that i wont let u go..

my tears were flowing and witnessed by jpa officers and a fren.

u were running to me, i was very touched deep down, i tried to smile to u, but the smile was the most ugly one.

i cant help crying everytime when i tried to imagine the situation where i have to wave to u, and that moment marks the start of long distance relationship.

and finally, 29th Aug i have experienced it and i swear, i will never be able to forget the situation, the feeling and everything.

i love you. i miss you. i have been repeating this for n times. but yea, this is the only thing that i wan you to know at anytime.

i'd walk a thousand miles, if i could just see you tonight

=)

昨天和irwin 出去走走了， 然后还和wen xin kok yuen 去喝茶。。 谈起为什么我们两个会一起出去， irwin 开玩笑地指着路边一只野狗说， 他驾车时在路上看见它，觉得很可怜， 所以就把它带着了。

回想之下，他的形容很真的蛮贴切的。 毕竟我真的是一只流浪在爱情路上的野狗。。

也许你不会知道，难过的时候， 我真的会很希望你会继续待在我身边。

我不喜欢一个人吃饭， 更不喜欢一个人独自对着电话流泪， 这样的感觉很孤单，仿佛被整个世界遗弃了一样。。对啊， 整个世界。即使只是你一人把我遗弃了， 因为你对我而言， 就是全世界。 好讨厌那种感觉。。 真的好讨厌。。

怎么办？面对你， 只有两个字可以形容，矛盾。

很爱恨爱你， 可是不想继续这样生活下去。 很不健康的感情状况。。 我们的爱情曾经是这么的美好， 如果哪天真的要分手，我希望在我们脑海里留下的都是那些很甜很幸福的回忆，而不是现阶段的争吵。。

分手和出国一样，没有什么值得高兴的，唯一欣慰的是，你可以重获自由。

我们开始得很不是时候吧，在你那五光十色的青春年华， 本来应该是自由的， 奔放的。 可是却因为身边的女朋友，所以很多事情都不能做， 更因为这个粘人如胶的女朋友， 让你不能和朋友常常出去。 甚至连出去，也要对我撒谎。辛苦你了。

不想再看着你这样下去，也许狠心分手是很好的办法， 可是我却很不舍得。。你知道吗， 昨天说好不要带电话在身边的，一个电话也不要带，一来可以让你找不到我，不过更重要的是，没有电话在身边我不用一直企盼传来的简讯是你的，拨电话来的人是你，那种失落感，很不好受。结果我还是把两个手机都带了，结果我还是让你找到了。明明是要怄气不让你知道我在哪里的， 却还是对你从实招来了。明明是不要见你的，却还是厚脸皮地叫你过来和我们一起喝茶。到最后还上了你的车，让你载我回家。。 我好没用哦。。

分手不成的原因是因为我心太软， 还是因为我太爱你啊？

昨天我对irwin 说，如果我们真的分手了，然后又有机会开始另一段感情，那我一定要确保男的爱我很多很多， 多过我爱他， 不然就要确保自己不会再投入100% 的感情， 否则我一定又会跌得一身伤。。我很希望，自己可以不要那么粘， 自己可以不要把爱情看得那么重， 那就不会发生今天这种事了。到底是哪个笨蛋创了“恋爱大过天”这句话？ 没有了这句话，我对爱情是否会存有保留？

也许， 和我在一起，是一种折磨吧。。毕竟， 爱情如同易碎的玻璃，握得太紧，只会让它在你手里破碎，也割伤了自己。 偏偏自己却怎么也不懂得拿捏力道， 伤了别人， 也伤了自己。。

你想要的， 我却不能够给你我全部，我能给的， 却又不是你想要拥有的， 我们不适合，也不想认输。 不想再约束了， 我们也不要再痛苦，希望下一次我们都会有更好的情路。

不要再顽固了， 是时候放手了。。 现在划上休止符，也许才是最完美的结局吧。我也该学着把对你的爱收起来了。用爱情换取你的自由， 我愿意。=）

出国的事情让你倍感压力了，对不起，不是故意的。是我把一切想得太戏剧化了，以为出国前就可以拥有你的所有， 让这两个月去弥补两年的空白。也许两年的空白， 是注定了没有彼此的出现吧， 所以不管我怎么费心地去填，也无济于事。我以为， 我真的以为， 离出国的日子越近， 我们会越珍惜对方， 可是不然。。。

PS: 如果， 我真的离开了你，我希望，你可以永远记得， 你牵我的手的感觉， 还有， 不要忘记， 有人永远爱着你，只是用错了方法。

双子座男孩

太多的关心=束缚
关心，爱，我都不想给了。。
因为我总会觉得给得既没意义，也总是很多余。。
我在处理感情方面还找不到很多的平衡点，甚至会觉得天秤正倾向不好的那端。。
我让你失去了自由，自尊，乐趣还有很多很多。。
如果把关心比喻成鸟笼，爱比喻成我这个主人，你比喻成鸟，
那我的关心把你关起来了，让你失去自由；
我的爱就如同主人把一只鸟握得越紧， 它就会窒息而死。。
所以，希望没有了他们，你可以找回属于自己的一片天空。。
哪一天， 我们真的再度成为两条平行的地平线时， 我会为你不在我的爱情里死去而感到高兴。。
我会学着， 不去期待， 不去在乎。。

双子座的男生热爱新鲜感， 喜欢自由。。
我不觉得自己可以让你在这段感情里维持你要的新鲜感，所以， 我不认为你会爱我到永远，典型的双子座男生。

两个月半

是我倒数离开的日子。。
今天接到了你妈妈打来的电话。。
心里不禁有莫名的难过。。
对不起。。
也许， 因为得到了你家人的认同， 我会以为我们之间不再有风浪了， 却忽略了其他的。。
然后我就开始不珍惜我们能够在一起的时间了。。
纵使自己即将要离开两年了， 可是我们能相处的时间加起来， 应该会只少过一个月吧？
我一直告诉自己， 你很忙， 除了要读书，还要工作， 然后还要拨一点时间给朋友。。
为了给你多一点自由， 我总会想办法让自己很忙很忙， 那我就不会那么常打扰你了。。
只是， 是我太粘你了吗？
就算是和朋友在一起， 我依然会很想念你，很想立刻见到你， 很想立即回家打电话给你聊天。。
我想， 我对你的依赖真的是太强了。。
越接近离开的日子，我越想和你去好多好多地方，可是我深知， 这些地方， 大概都没办法去了。。
因为你的时间，好难好难才分配给我。。
就算我拿到了那时间， 我也会担心回家后的你是否会被骂。。
我相信，你也为这种情况烦恼吧。。
对不起。。
因为我， 害你常常被骂。。
然后不只在家里受气， 还要因为我发飙而受苦。。
辛苦你了。。
身为一个女朋友应该是你的避风港才对，可是我却成了另一个给你脸色看的人。。
对不起。。 原谅我好吗？
都是我不懂得体谅的缘故。。
既然我们在未来的两年里， 都不能常常见面了， 那我想， 我也不应为了你把时间留给朋友而感到不悦， 就当作是上天让我开始慢慢习惯吧！
一来， 我可以不对你发脾气，二来， 也可以练习两年没有你在身边陪伴的日子。。
我开始学着习惯吧。。

Life @ UNMC

is 3.21am now..
i'm supposed to be sleeping.. but, let me blog about this first k..
overflowing of sadness and memories that i had here are flashing in my head..
i will be free in about 12 hours time, but i do not feel happy or excited at the moment, instead i will sad for leaving this campus, the University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus that will make my friends jealous about..
it was 2008, and when i first step in here, i was totally in love with the environment here, the lake, the fountain, the greenery scenes here.. and i swear "i must enrol here!"
i remember Dr.Billa did ask me why did i choose UNMC of all? Part of my answers was, i love the environment here!
Sept 2008, officially, i have became part of UNMC, i'm a pharmacy student here, i can always see the fountain, the ducks, the lake to the extent i don find they are beautiful anymore XD
first time teared in UNMC was regarding my finance problem, i got not enough fund to study here, and obviously parent couldnt afford it too.. i applied for JPA scholarship, and i have been waited and waited for few months, i cried because i was too worry that i will not be able to get thsi scolarship.. life is not entirely about $$, but u always cant live without $$, if not why do ppl go rob or steal right? don tell me they do this for the sake of FUN!
luckily, in the end, I GOT IT!!
since then life has become easier, and i stay off-campus accomodation in TTS5, is a bungalow with most of the furnitures from IKEA, got to know some nice housemates, we cooked together and crazy together over maggots =(
thanks to the big big garden we had in this bungalow, we always organise some gathering, makan-makan party and birthday celebrations ^^ it was real fun!
Year 1 life was mainly lab, lab and lab.. lol
just when i blinked my eyes for few times, it is Year 2 now..
YEAR 2..
stay on campus, hav a toiletmate who loves to sing a lot, called herself Lee Chong Wei's sister, since her surname is Lee too =.=" lol..
eat crappy SA food at least 5 times a week >.<
less gathering back then.. due to stress + no garden
blink for one more time, i'm sitting right in front of my lappy now and typing about this memory flashback like an old lady recalling back the old times.. Is already Year 2 Sem 2 now..
lol..
will be checking out at 12noon, then exam at 2pm, then like a bird out of the cage, at 4pm, we will be set free, and the next time i step back here will be around June to collect my result.
i will miss every single little things here in UNMC..
expecially the lecturers..
U guys are awesome!
treat us like adult, hav fun with us, facebook with us, party with us.. lol..
Thank u for everything, i have learnt a lot from u all and i really enjoyed chatting with u all..
Prof Doughty, love the sense of humour that u hav, and speak to us like adult, and being so supportive over PharmNotts, u rock!
Dr.Morris, i was so suprised that u can actually remember my name! and next time whenever i see lab spec, i will definately think of u, lol..
Dr.Ting, thanks for all the advice and everything that u hav taught me.. sorry cause i flunk phys pharm =(
Dr.Billa, don forget to feed ur "horse"! lol.. and i will not forget the name of "cili padi" that u gave me XD
Mr.Wong, thanks for being so father-y, u r like the father of UNMC, lol.. in a good way, no worries ^^
Dr.Wiart, thanks for all the funny jokes!
Dr.Ong, my tutor, i hope u will like ur new job in Singapore, hope that's what u wan and that u will get satisfaction from there, when i go Sg u must bring me around k! =b
Dr.Khoo, er.. er.. don be nervous, i'm sure u can teach well too =D
Dr. Tung, u r so cute!! lol, don get mixed up with where vee mae and i stay k, lol..
Dr.Lim, i always dreamt abt u, don ask me why.. lol.. i hav to say u r such a charming lecturer, lol, and u taught us really really well..
Thank u all.. i will not forget u all.. miss u all a lot.. <3

to my dear fren..

i'm sure u wont be reading this..
but gal, it is sad to see u like that..
living without any aims, or should i say, the only aim u have is to wish for a fatal accident to come by, everyday, just so u can see her very soon..
u need her, we need u too..
u still have us, although that's nothing much we can do, nor we can do anything just to get ur beloved mum back..
but as a fren, we always pray hard for u, hoping that u will stay strong, it hurts to see u like that, living ur life with negative thoughts...
it wasnt us, mayb thats y we cant 100% fully understand ur feeling, and who knows one day if this happen to us *touch wood!*, we would behave even worse than how u r now..
sadness can spread.. seeing u like this wont make any of us feel good..
we hated to see u like this, hurt yourself and hav all kinds of negative thoughts..
we are praying hard for u, we wish that we could offer any single little help, pls don shut us away from u..

分开？一起？

在Austin Chase,
呆了大概6个小时，哈哈。。
花了钱喝一杯咖啡，一个三文治， 总算没有白花。。
因为这好像是我这么多个周末里， 唯一有做功课的一天。。
哈哈。。
也是我这整个星期里的第一天， 认真做功课。。
不好意思啦。。
因为某些原因，我堕落了，有。。 至少5天吧？
今天终于下定决心， 把pre-workshop ques 做完了 ^^
很满意自己的“成就”， 所以买了一片蛋糕奖赏自己 =b
原价RM 12.90,机缘巧合下，我只花了RM 7.90， 多谢有人舍弃的RM5 voucher, 这世界是怎么了? 就这么有钱吗??
朋友知道我会去英国的时候，第一个反应总是“那他怎么办?”
干嘛问我?
问他啊。。
我呢。。。 就想要继续隔着一片片海洋牵着他的手，连着他的心。。
朋友也总会问“为什么不要暂时分开，然后待回来后再续前缘啊?那至少两年内你们可以有自己的一片天空， 会找到更适合的对象也说不定?如果有缘的话再牵手也不迟啊。。”
话是这么说没错，只是，我个人认为，两年的时间可以考验的东西很多，既然这是不能避免的， 那我干嘛还要故意把我们之间拆散，多增一个考验呢？
“有缘分牵手，就不要轻易放手”
也许若干年后的我回想起，会觉得很傻，只是，趁我对爱情还有希望及热情的时候，我希望自己是付出了所有的那个 =D

“你绝对是全世界最后一个我想失去的人”

久违了。。
好久都没写下自己的心情， 直到今天突然的心血来潮， 才发现自己连usename都忘了，FML..

距离离开的日子， 大概还有四个月的时间， 然后我们的爱情就得跨越两年时空， 10588 公里 的距离。。
然而，我们能熬过去吗？
过去一直以为自己对爱情是那么的坚贞不渝， 可是经历过了这么多事情， 才发现自己也不外乎像其他人一样， 那么的经不起诱惑， 那么的无法捍卫自己的爱情。。
也发现， 原来同时喜欢两个人不是不可能的事情。。
我现在能体会你的感受了， 当时那种“和你在一起-却想着另一个人-快要疯掉”，“喜欢他-可是爱你”的感觉， 我全都能体会了。。
我差点， 真的是差点， 就越轨了。。
只是， 我很庆幸， 自己有一个那么棒的男朋友 ， 给了我足够的空间去处理这件事情，让我悬崖勒马。。
甚至是到最后我还收到了这么一封短讯：Darling, i love you. No matter wat happens. I might be mad if u did wrongly. But i'll still accept it.
眼泪都快飚出来了。。
谢谢你， 真的很谢谢你。。

身边有一对情侣分手了， 你问我：有没有觉得很庆幸我们还在一起？
“有，你绝对是全世界最后一个我想失去的人。。”

所以， 不管那730天有多难熬，不管那1058800里有多远，我选择相信2012年的7月或8 月， 你会在机场对我唱“永远的第一天” ^^， 而我， 依然是那个还深深爱着你的我。。